The matter rests with the souls:

Not a moment passes without a bullet being fired. Not a moment passes without missiles being fired. Not a moment ...., 

At this moment, Chitragupta entered, unannounced. Brahma understood, his protege must be bringing some disturbing information and so the unannounced entry. As a matter of fact, Chitragupta did not breeze in, on his own errand but with a s.o.s, from Yamadharmaraj. Though, why could not he come in person remained a mystery.

Unable to bottle up his uneasiness, after sending Chitragupta, Yamadharmaraj himself rushed in to meet with Brahma. Chitragupta asked him, “Why did you not do so in the first place? Are you expecting to get some free suggestions from me, on this s.o.s? 

Brahma quietly observed them , listening to these verbal vibrations. He asked, "Yama, what is troubling you?" 

Yamadharmaraj replied "Whatever you were thinking about, a few instants ago!"

“How did you come to know that?” Then Brahma realised that he had left his thought jammer in sleep mode. To manage the slip up, he said, " Forget it. I have already sensed the contents; you would be sending in this s.o.s"

While Yamadharmaraj was trying to understand this exchange, Chitragupta was chuckling to himself, “How easy it is for Brahma to turn the table on Yamadharmaraj!"

"The rate of release of souls from earth is alarming. Our processing units are getting overwhelmed. To cap it all, there are spurious bugs, causing system outages." Yamadharmaraj highlighted his problems.

Chitragupta became instantly alert. The technical glitches are coming home to roost - he had prevailed upon and got the 'Ghost Particle Pulse' systems installed for trouble free processing. He never expected, the nerds who had installed the system, to blindside him like that. He needed to focus hard and divert attention away from his system and somehow tide over the crisis.

Maintaining his calm, Brahma asked Yama, “you care to elaborate or leaving it to me, to unravel and understand?"

"Sorry. I got overwhelmed. The s.o.s is about two mysteries. One, why so many souls have gathered at the gates? Two, why suddenly the systems go down with spurious bugs?" Yama answered.

"Chitragupta, care to share your views on these mysteries?", Brahma asked.

Chitragupta expecting this question, had already completed a run, through the labyrinths of his neural networks. He almost missed the clues, as his mind was parallelly processing some other issues, which Brahma had raised.

"The number one problem is the unprecedented crowding of souls, at the gates. I had analysed this occurrence and had discussions with some of the souls. It appears that they all of them have read and partially understood the spooky phenomenon of quantum entanglement"

As if he did not know the answer, Brahma asked, “What are you talking about? Tell me, what could be the connection between reading and crowding of souls at the gates?"

Chitragupta sensed the trap. By mistake he had discussed about this subject of entanglement with Brahma, to pass a few moments peacefully. At that time, he had assumed that Brahma appeared to be distracted and not paying his full attention. To prove him wrong, Brahma had just sprung the trap.

Chitragupta replied. " During my talk on this spooky thing, I failed to realise that whatever information falls in your ears, it automatically gets disseminated in the universal consciousness" He hoped that this reply will loosen the trap a little.

Brahma brusquely asked, "Then?" 

Not knowing head from tail and wondering where all this discourse was going, Yamadharmaraj started praying silently for a less confusing solution.

Chitragupta continued, " These souls, believing in entanglement, have decided to meet with like-minded souls. Maybe they could not find the right pairs and are milling around in a state of confusion."

Yama, hard pressed for finding a solution, was not in any mood to attend lectures. He asked, " Do you have any worthy suggestion regarding these anxious souls? Do tell me, why your much touted Ghost Particle Pulse systems shut down without provocation?"

This was a direct attack. No doubt there is a genuine issue. But why should he take the blame, when the systems were under the control of Yama?  Thinking of a safe answer Chitragupta replied, " Yama, remember you had to replace the original set of nerds with a fresh crop of brighter nerds. What I heard from the 'ghostvine' points out to a breach of protocol - these nerds were also browsing research papers on teleportation, entanglements and multiverse. How am I to know, whether they have migrated portals, taking the source codes along with them? How can you blame me, now?"

Yama persisted with an accusatory tone. "Chitragupta, why did you not anticipate these malpractices and ghost-lighting of nerds using available loopholes, while routing your so called tamper-proof GPP systems?"

Not to be out-blamed by Yama, Chitragupta joined issue, " When explaining the architecture of my much-touted GPP system, were you not counting on the nerds to absorb the nitty gritty and make it easy for you to manage the show? What they learnt in front of you; they managed to practice it behind your back!" If you can, point out what part could I have played in this?

Instead of coming up with solution, the meeting of minds was getting degenerated into an acrimonious verbal duel, creating fresh problems. Deciding enough was enough, Brahma asked, " Chitragupta, you are aware of the entanglement and know about your GPP system. Why don't you suggest ways to address the problems your dear friend Yama has encountered?"

"The souls are suffering with a false opinion about their eligibility criteria for a quantum entanglement. They do not know that a medical condition has corrupted their conscience carrying microtubules. The result- we have a large crowd with false hope."

"How to deal with this issue?"

"I have a suggestion, if you promise not to get angry, I will explain."

" You mean, Yamadharmaraj becoming angry?"

"No. I mean, yourself should not become angry with me."

"Chitragupta, I don't promise but I am willing to hear"

" Will you consent and personally convince them? Project for them the images of their disrupted microtubules and thereof their corrupted consciousness. There lies the solution for the problem of crowding souls at the gates!”

Brahma had to grudgingly admit the logic in Chitragupta’s suggestion. "What about your GPP system and source codes?"

Breaking his silence. Yama expressed a doubt. "What if this insight does not convince them?"

"Then, an option can be given - take a rebirth and once again go through their previous life experience, of course with non- defective microtubules"

Brahma working on the implications said," First of all I should be able to do it. Secondly, if they don't get convinced, then what happens?"

Chitragupta continued, "They have ceased to live, but their quest for quantum entanglement did not. Our position is clear - no rebirth and no entanglement. The choice is theirs"!

Not to be left out, Yamadharmaraj asked, “What about your pet system failure? Should I ask the nerds to shake the motherboard?"

Chitragupta gave him a lightning stare. “Yama, you don't know what you have. Tell me, right now what you are twirling/rolling in your hand? “

This comment stung and Yama looked at the glowing baton in his right hand. He also remembered Brahma had warned him once, not to bring it along, as its glow was distracting.

Brahma, enjoying this verbal-venting between his assistants, gave a pass on the glowing baton to spare Yama, for now. He asked, "What is special about the baton, which Yama did not know?"

"The baton is the key to the system, that has crashed. Insert the tapered end of the baton into the communication port, marked with a glowing ghost symbol, and twist the baton once, clockwise and thrice in the anticlockwise direction. The baton will blink twice. Presto! System boots up and ready to run."

The look Yama received from Brahma said it all, without saying anything. Yamadharmaraj glanced alternatively at Chitragupta and the baton. He was at a loss to understand how and why he missed the importance of the baton given to him, along with the GPP system. He took leave and hurried away to restore the GPP system to operational status.

Brahma along with Chitragupta proceeded towards the gates, to convince the entanglement seekers.

"Why did Chitragupta choose such a time to discuss about entanglement? How in heaven this information on entanglement has spread its tentacles, to tie up the departed souls? In my long, lifetime, I have never faced such a scarry, spooky problem. It beats me hands down.” Mused Brahma.

“In no time, Brahma would throw the ball and the problem of entanglement back to me. How am I going to confuse the entanglements to untangle?” Chitragupta rued his folly- of speaking, uninvited. He set his mind on finding a way out.

He did not get much time. On the way to the gates, Brahma stopped abruptly and declared, "Chitragupta, I will not agree for a conditional re-birth option to these misguided souls. There is large implication in that option. Regarding their disrupted microtubules, I am reluctant to educate them, as I very much doubt whether they will accept the demonstration and quietly disperse. This leaves you, fair and square, with the souls and the task of releasing them from entanglements. I know, you have already worked out a solution, silently."

For The One who handles a 4- way traffic and processes millions of information streams, without mix up, deactivating the “entangled" souls ....is he kidding me? Chitragupta could only shake his head. Chitragupta felt deflated as he had so many options to discuss. The mind reader has once again had his flawless homework on hand to effectively prevent any possible, lengthy explanation.  He could only murmur, "Then, why at all this walk and talk up to the gates?"

Without answering, Brahma continued, " Of all the options available in your mind, could you not pick up the one that would succeed?"

Chitragupta had no choice but to wrap up the issue. "Considering all available options and their possible fall outs, I safely recommend "the pyro therapy."

"What would it take, I hope not with some riders, in the form of concession?"

"Not at all. A guided tour through the hall of eternal fire is all it would take.  Yamadharmaraj would happily do it, to get rid of his problem."

"Then, let me call him and explain. He might show some reluctance. But if the situation warrants it, has he any option?"

Chitragupta was a little upset with Brahma. He had cursed the scientists, irritated them by referring to entanglement as a spooky phenomenon. He had collected references as to how to destroy quantum entanglement, with no bar on distance. At least would Yamadharmaraj show interest to hear what he has to say? Feeling letdown, he decided to wait for another opportunity. In whatever form it comes, he would find a way to use this spooky action phenomenon.  

He ambled along to the processing Centre. At least he could find out whether Yamadharmaraj had got the GPP system up and working.

Mooshik's quid pro quo and et ligare upgrade for Ganesha:

 “Set aside, the fear of reprisals and boldly stage a disappearing act. Use your divine powers and simply change Mooshik’s colour from grey to black to brown and white and then back to grey, in a cyclic manner. This miracle will surely bring back all and some more devotees, to your door steps. Try it and, you will come out a winner!” As Chitragupta’s words echoed in his mind, Ganesha resumed his solitary stomping-in-the-garden routine, confused and cursing Mooshik for contacting Chitragupta and fuming within himself, for hitting a cul-de-sac at every turn! He wondered, how in heaven, Brahma tolerates this so called protégé!

Ganesha’s worry took another turn in to another cul-de-sac.  The dwindling crowd of parents and examinees started a merry go around in his mind. The ever-present Mooshik, was nonchalantly inspecting his tail - a misleading act. Though, he was actively searching for signs of aging, the act was intended to create a false impression that he was earnestly attempting to come up with a solution, to stop the merry go around.

 Unable to bear the suspense, Ganesha asked, " Mooshik, got any ideas?"

Though, Mooshik was actively working out the menu for his next meal, he blurted out, “My Lord, I am working on it." Another curve ball, which Ganesha missed to catch. Having committed, Mooshik swished his tail a few times and said, "The days of queuing up in front of you has gone out of fashion. Nowadays, the crowd gathers in front of coaching centres and persons who could deliver tomorrow's question paper today."

" Mooshik, this a surprising news to me! Why did you not alert me to this state of affairs?"

" My Lord, I took a neutral stand on this issue, that is why!"

" What are you saying? Why would you remain neutral?”

" I beg for your indulgence. The fact of the matter is, your devotees never considered me worthy enough and never offered to break coconuts prior to or after the exams. With no teeth in this game, and no broken coconuts to gnaw at, how could I take sides?"

" Mooshik, still you could have raised an alert. What happened to your loyalty to me?"

"I pondered over this dilemma of loyalty, in depth and became confused, like the student trying to choose the correct option for a multiple-choice question."

Ganesh getting annoyed asked, " Why at all your loyalty should pose a dilemma and what was the need for the pondering?"

"My Lord, for my small brain, it was a ponderable dilemma. I chose to remain neutral to avoid getting overloaded."

Respecting their long-standing relationship, Ganesha accepted the explanation. He asked, " Now tell me how the situation could be remedied? Will a failure analysis help?”

Sensing an opening, Mooshik answered, "What immediately comes to my tiny brain is this. People have matured enough to expect the quid pro quo should have an et ligare element also. Their reasoning is 'a deal without a guarantee clause is not worth the paper it is written on'!"               

Ganesha had not anticipated this devious condition, probably a fine print, in the minds of the pious and innocent people, queuing up in front of him. He wanted to kick himself, for not having judged them as Mooshik with his tiny brain had done.

" Mooshik, is this not a backdoor entry they are after."

" It certainly is. But when the front door has restricted entry, what else is there, except the backdoor?"

At this reply, Ganesha started having a nibbling doubt about Mooshik and wondered "whose brief is he holding now, mine or theirs?"

"Mooshik, how does this quid pro quo and the et ligare element  works?"

"From the depth of my limited knowledge, what they are saying is " upfront guarantee with a back-end assurance. The quid pro quo is for them to start putting in some effort and the et ligare is for the assured  fruit of the labour."

Ganesha became annoyed. “Mooshik, enough of the diplomatic talk, from the depth of your tiny brain. Cut through the clutter and tell me what should I do now?

Mooshik fearing for his tail, becoming an object of cutting through the clutter, replied, " I have a glimmer of an idea. But you may face  lot of resistance while implementing it."

"Explain it in a nutshell"

“We should hit the roads.”

Why”?

“Remember all the non-mandated idols, doing the rounds as deemed gods”?

“What do they have to do with my problem. Is it another of your diversion tactics?

“No. I mentioned them because they might be your solution.”

How?

Mooshik elaborated, “This is part one of the plan. We get closer to them and sell the idea of getting them an upgrade.  I can easily manage it and bring them to your door steps.  The second part requires your active participation.”

Showing interest, Ganesha asked, “In what way?”

“By getting in touch with your kith and kin, and ask them to help you out”.

Exasperated Ganesha asked, “What sort of help they could extend to me?”

Mooshik replied, “By way of granting small rights to a select few of these non-mandated, street-dwelling idols.”

“I am not clear. What will happen, then”? 

“The rest of the non-mandated idols will form a queue in front of you, pleading.  Coming to know of this, the absentee devotees will race each other, and arrive panting to beseech and seek your blessings.”

Ganesha shook his head vigorously and said, " Mooshik, I should not become a salesman and neither you. Don’t you have any other bright ideas?”

“No, My lord. I give up. My very small brain is not willing to cook up another plan!”

Ganesha shouted, “Then get an upgrade for your little brain and then think of another logical plan. O.K”?

At last, Ganesha decided to think of a solution, for that matter any solution that promised a reasonable chance of succeeding.  How could he blame Mooshik’s tiny brain for sinking so low to dig up an idea, which at best, should have been left buried. Stampede or stragglers, he sat by my side, with unflinching loyalty. How can I punish him now? After doing all these analyses by himself, he ran out of stamina and decided to call a halt.

The next day, he announced, “Mooshik, I have found out a way to turn the tide in our favour. From this instant, let us turn our backs to them, exactly by 180° and park ourselves."

The confused Mooshik asked," What has happened to you? How turning our backs to them, by 180° will turn the tide?”

Ganesha in a calm and reassuring voice explained, "The news of us turning our backs to them will spread like wild fire. People will erroneously conclude that I have been greatly wronged and very angry. To cool my anger down, they will descend en masse with offerings and vows, to resume regular visits. How do you like this alternate plan"?

“My Lord, the master plan you have just revealed is way beyond comprehension of my tiny brain. I am worried.”

Ganesha said in a consoling tone, "You don't worry. I will soon arrange a sharper brain implanted in your head."

Giving in to a sudden impulse, Mooshik blurted out, " Do I owe you any quid pro quo and et ligare for this"?

Ganesha had half a mind to thrash Mooshik, but realising the futility of such an act, he turned his back, by exactly by 180° on him and his reluctant devotees.

Chitragupta leaves Ganesha in a fix:

Chitragupta was mystified by the frantic messages coming, one after another. Drawn to this chatter, he decided to open one and to his surprise, that one click had opened to hundreds of messages and none had any content. He wondered whether spoofers or amateurs have taken over a repeater station or the station itself was suffering with some technical glitz! He tried to locate the sender of these messages, thinking that someone might be trying to drag him into some misadventure. He was shocked and perplexed to find that this avalanche had originated from the office of Ganesha.

Not a deity to be taken lightly, he dashed off a confirmatory message and prepared to reach Ganesha's abode as quickly as he could. A hurried inspection, assured him that no docket, containing heavenly secrets, lay open to the prying eyes of any clandestine visitor.  He believed in locking the vault first rather than chasing the missing documents, later. He chuckled to himself at this brief memory recall - of Yama's travails and trip down to earth, a long eons ago!

Arriving at the abode, Chitragupta expected to be taken inside to meet with Ganesha.  Instead, his ears picked up an elephantine sigh, blaring out from a spot in the garden. There, he saw Ganesha trying to vent out his frustration. Chitragupta got the feeling, that nothing seemed to have worked so far to calm him down. During a turn in his trampling march, Ganesha caught sight of the visitor. Quickly, trans-positioning himself, he acknowledged the visitor with a flap of his ears - so tired, he was unable to even lift and wave a hand in welcome!

“Chitragupta, did you get the message, my trusted aide sent to you? Are you wondering about the many repeat messages? Mooshik, has become jittery nowadays and often looks overly confused. After sending the first message, he might have sent the second to ensure. To make sure of the second, he must have sent the third and not knowing when to stop, even now must be sending the same message, to you.”

“Ganesha, what is the matter? I found no mention of it in the messages?”

“Thank my jittery assistant for these ‘no content’ messages. Lately, he has been acting a little strange. Ok, now that you are here, let me tell you everything. Chitragupta, you know very well, that I am a go to and easy to please deity, with minimum fuss.”

“No doubt about that. Even a lump of clay or turmeric paste is all that takes to invoke, worship and please you”. 

“See, now you are also trying to make fun of me for being too ordinary.”

“No, no. I was merely trying to bring out how easy it is to approach you, compared to the other deities.” 

“The rishis or the white bearded sadhus have conspired to portray me as a down to earth deity. They hit me below the belt, by introducing a lump of clay or turmeric paste to represent me. After invoking my blessings, they cooly sideline me  top start their main and grand Pooja. Don’t you think, it is little far-fetched?”

“ I did not feel this bad, when Vyasa requested me to be his scribe. I happily obliged, with only one condition that once started, he should not pause or stop the dictation. When he hit a difficult passage, he wisely circumvented my condition by posing difficult riddles for me to solve. This naturally slowed down the speed of transcription. I knew he used them to gain time to think through, and to keep up the charade, I too went along willingly.” 

Chitragupta watched silently, while Ganesha sat shaking his head, flapping the oversized ears and furtively glancing here and there. He understood that Ganesha wanted a breather, before pouring out his current woes. Unable to bear the suspense, he asked, “Are you expecting anyone to join us now?"

“Chitragupta, answer me, why being an approachable deity should bring blames on to me?”

Chitragupta blinked and wondered, how was he going to answer this question without knowing the context!

Ganesha continued, "A got-lucky devotee came with dozens of coconuts and started to smash them against a boulder, lying by my side. Exactly at that instant when a coconut broke into pieces, another devotee, passing by, got hit on his forehead. Of course, there was a little bloodletting."

"Oh, how unfortunate," murmured Chitragupta. 

“Yes, it was for me”, said Ganesha.

 “The coconut smasher blamed me for timing the arrival of the other person and the injured person blamed me for the unprovoked incident. I was lucky that the coconut also did not decide to blame me. Is this because I am an easy to please and easily taken for a ride deity?”

“Ganesha, you got unduly annoyed over this behaviour!”

“Chitragupta, hear this. Needy, greedy or solace seekers throng to my simple abode. The problem is, like a chain store I have a temple, in every street corner. As their ‘easy to please and easily taken for a ride deity’ they either plead or at times threaten me, to make favourable things happen or else tone. Should I be such an ordinary deity whom anyone can approach, threaten and getaway?”

“I agree. Even for a deity, tolerance has a limit. Why don't you try and scare them a little, and bring them back on track?”

“How can I, being only the gatekeeper for the other powerful deities? Those who come and threaten me are devotees of those other powerful entities. This is my problem. How, being what I am, could I take cudgels against all of them?”

“Definitely, your problem is of a peculiar kind and your dilemma is understandable but inevitable.” 

This sliding answer irked Ganesha. Narrowing his eyes in anger, he said, "Chitragupta, the messages were not sent asking for a chitchat. Maybe, I have overestimated your abilities to suggest a suitable solution. If so, free feel to go."

Chitragupta was unnerved by this outburst. He neither underestimated or overestimated his abilities. At the same time, suggesting a solution would surely put him in the path of an intense laser beam or land him in the slimy grip of a snake. Both the outcomes looked personally endangering.  As a best option, he chose to call a time out, for now.

In a conciliatory tone, he said, “Superficially the problem appears to be simple, but deep down it is quite complex. Give me some more time to come up with a solution."

Ganesha retorted, "Are you trying to imply that this problem is more complex than those riddles I had solved for Vyasa?"

Taken aback, Chitragupta said "How can I infer so? I am nothing but a tally-maker, with limited numerical capabilities. Will you not agree with me that I am out of my depths, when it comes to riddles or human nature?"

Ganesha sensed a trap. If he agreed, Chitragupta cannot be forced. If he disagreed, then Chitragupta will escape, after rendering some more of the sliding answers. He knew, Chitragupta will bite the bait, if cornered. Raising his voice a notch, he retorted, "Is it your habit to answer a question with another one? Now you have no choice but to stay here till you find a solution."

Instantly, a background story began its run in Chitragupta’s mind – the sufferings of Brahma.  Ganesha's brother Karthikeya had him imprisoned and in a fit of anger, his father Siva had clipped off his fifth head. Chitragupta understood the nuanced, unequivocal and implied threat. Ganesha was willing to follow their footsteps! His hope that his reluctance, to suffer like Brahma, would be appreciated, took a mighty hit.

Threat hanging over his head, Chitragupta managed to come up with two likely approaches. First option, to appeal to Ganesha’s family, requesting for an intervention, A long shot worth a cautious attempt by Ganesha. But it guaranteed two possible outcomes for the proposer. (1) He may have to run for dear life, to escape the wrath with the head still attached  or to avoid the laser treatment or the jail term.

(2) He may have to befriend the many headed snake and get into its master's good books. Oftentimes, Chitragupta had wondered, if disturbed, who gets easily annoyed - the master or the snake? A snake bite is treatable but what about its master’s anger? Will Ganesha provide him with an insurance cover, against snake bite or the attack from a flying saucer of the snake’s master? Or to play it safe, will he choose the relationship as  more important than my discomfort?

Unmindful of Chitragupta’s predicament, Ganesha happily resumed his plodding, listening to the peculiar crunching sounds coming out of Chitragupta's mind.  Chitragupta has this habit of making these crunching sounds, while cursing himself - this time, for having rushed to respond to Ganesha’s messages.  Chitragupta felt like a rat caught in a mouse trap. Being an intelligent “rat” himself, he hit upon an idea to come out of the trap unharmed. 

Second option, to appeal to Ganesha’s intelligence, to solve his own problem. Approaching with a smile, he said, " With immense intelligence, you had solved Vyasa's riddles just like that. Probably, you’re thinking that complex problems should end in complex solutions. This might be preventing you from looking at simple solutions, as beneath your acumen!

Ganesha's heart swelled with pride, on being praised about his intelligence. He hastened to ask, " Chitragupta, what is that simple solution that I did not consider?"

“Just disappear from the worshippers’ landscape, wait and watch for a while. Your problems get solved automatically, without much effort!”

Though this suggestion perked up Ganesha's ears, he immediately sensed a hesitation. “Ganesha, if you don't want to disappear and drive away your devotees, I have this remedial suggestion. With your divine powers, you can simply change the colour of Mooshik from grey to black to brown and white and then back to grey, in a cyclic manner. This miracle will surely bring back all and some more devotees, to your door steps. Over all, how do you like my ideas?”

“Mmm, ok. I agree to try out the part of the idea that involves Mooshik. But, how am I to deal with the superior deities to sort out the sidelining issue?”

Chitragupta wondered why so many doubts sprout in Ganesha's mind! He explained, " Have no qualms about how the superior deities will respond. They follow divine principles, which they themselves have revealed and got a legion of sages and rishis to set them in scriptures, for posterity. There will be no risk of a confronting, but an outreach to find a solution for your inconveniences. At the end of the day, is it not all in the family?

Set aside, the fear of reprisals and boldly stage the disappearing act. The performers of poojas, will be perplexed and confused and their grand pooja plans will hit the roadblock. Half-hearted poojas will only invite the wrath of the propitiated. Sensing this stalemate, the superior deities will proscribe the act of invoking and sidelining you, henceforth. And you come out a winner!”

Chitragupta did not wait for a reply, and took flight at the first opportunity, happy to escape without a rap on the knuckle or a prison term. Ganesha was fuming within himself for hitting a cul-de-sac at every turn!

He resumed his solitary stomping-in-the-garden routine, confused about the usefulness of Chitragupta’s solutions. For good measure, he cursed Mooshik, for contacting Chitragupta.

Diplomacy of everyday kind:

During school days, he was a borderline case in geography. History frightened the wits out of him - every other chapter, letting bloodbath in battles and conquests. Mercifully, some historians tried to lessen the nightmare by including chapters on acts of vitalising art forms, music, dancing, literature and architecture. These few narrators tried to show the victors, notwithstanding the sufferings wrought on the populace, in a positive light – a nascent form of modern day paid promotion.

Escaping the mandatory academic stream did not end in anyway better. Modern history filled the chapters with same old bloodbath stories, with bullets, bombs, missiles and diplomats. Somewhere down the line, the geographical borders became meaningless as new breed of fighters emerged – the terrorists. They became freedom fighters, for any cause, as long as their acts are sponsored by sovereign, nations, and violated national and international laws. Sponsoring nations and rubber-stamping international bodies, hibernate instead of acting to weed out the crop of terrorists and their yield - terrorism.

While nations moved their diplomats around the globe, how can he sit idle, twiddling his thumbs and feeling sidelined? what could he do? Why should not he be involved? He decided to, whatever it takes to, lay it threadbare, in the public domain, so that the passer-byes would recognise the nuances of his brand of diplomacy, sans diplomatic couriers, pouches and passports!

The needed expertise is not acquired, through a stint in Foreign Ministry or by chasing-the-shadow-of a jetliner, over the oceans. If at all, the skill gets fine-tuned by staying ahead, on one’s own learning curve. This diplomacy is active, not between countries in conflict but within the ordinary people - us and among us. Broadly speaking, a domestic version and an equally important vocational version, of this diplomacy exists, with striking parallels. Geopolitical diplomacy is structured with many parts. Likewise, this type too uses many parts – of the body! Due to utter lack of appreciation, this diplomacy does not draw media attention, though it comes with the possibilities of retreats.

 Under the bus:

Maybe it is an embedded technology, in the DNA of escape artists. To walk away from the mess – created or stepped into, these artists don’t think twice to gladly push a scapegoat under the bus, laden with the blame. No ‘goat worth its bleat goes willingly to the slaughterhouse’! At home, the scapegoat could be a past-the-prime person, and in the work environment, it would be a face-in-the-crowd junior artist without dialogues. These diplomats know the golden rule - all fingers are not equal and there is a world of difference in what each one could mean.

 Indexing diplomacy:

By far, the favourite for many reasons is the index finger. By lying horizontal or parallel to the ground, it helps in effortlessly shifting the mess on to someone else. Standing straight, the index finger wags, left and right, to send warning signals to the blamed one. At home or in the work-related context, the index finger could zero in on anyone, bearing a striking resemblance to the crowd-scene junior artist with inappropriate makeup. This is a 2-in-1 finger diplomacy - effective in shifting the blame and at the same time to send warning signals.

Thumbing diplomacy:

Next in line is the thumb. Its sole diplomatic brief is - ask someone else, I don't know. This is slightly different from the shifting the mess diplomacy. This thumbing diplomat leaves open a backdoor to easily escape without assigning responsibility to a specific target - a sort of hoot and scoot move. Having obtained this diplomatic wisdom, the person starts to practice the shoulder-shrug diplomacy, to be little more emphatic in conveying- the I don’t know! This thumb and shoulder-shrug diplomacy has no competitor in its universal appeal as neutral diplomacy.  It is as useful as note verbale or demarche or aide-memoire  or any other diplomatic tool!  

Middle finger diplomacy:

This is a rarely used, un-diplomatic diplomacy. It has an ‘adult only' restriction as only they can get away being crude or rude by quoting justification and clauses, from their own diplomatic code book. This middle finger diplomacy, also known as rage diplomacy, is practiced among the general public, when one becomes angry by the actions of another. The flip side is, whenever a juvenile tries to raise this finger, it is forcefully put down and frowned upon by the same people who happily pursue this modus operandi.

All fingers on deck diplomacy:

This a classical act, in itself. This, universal gesture needs geometrical perfection to pull it off. Here is how this diplomacy unfolds - hands swivelled outwards by 45°, back of palms parallel to the ground, all fingers extending out in perfect alignment to the palms and matched with a half sheepish grin. This gesture conveys a nuanced philosophical approach - who knows, whose fault it is? what has to happen has happened, what I can do? In the practice of this diplomacy, the diplomat ropes in the palms and reluctantly co-operating (remaining close to the body) forearms.

Closed first diplomacy:

This diplomacy is reserved for use between individuals, either related or unrelated. Outbursts laden with harsh words are exchanged (not allowed in geopolitical diplomacy) and closed fists are brought to the table.  Sometimes, the engagement stops abruptly and at times lingers on for a length of time. When the situation spirals out of control, irrespective of time and place, this diplomatic spat ends in fisticuffs and bruises. Since claiming diplomatic immunity is not an option, facing the music of Law & Order is a given. Few nations use this form of as “posturing or provocative” diplomacy, just to gauge the reaction of another nation, without exchanging punches.

Wolf in lambs’ hide diplomacy:

This kind. a go-to-diplomacy, is assiduously practiced when a nation or a person believes, that it is easier to escape consequences, by diverting attention rather than holding on to an unanswerable mess. Spreading reasonably sounding, dubious allegations, on any likely contributing factor, from the past to the future does the trick. Use of software glitches and computer viruses add mystery to the misinformation.  This diplomacy is exclusive to overt or covert dabblers in others’ affairs.

 Reverse or boomerang diplomacy:

There comes a point, when push comes to shove, and the mess created is very serious. As a last-ditch effort, the “perpetrator” - be it a nation or an individual. plays this victim card diplomacy. This category of action is so potent, like the nuclear deterrent, it draws in ‘others’ who are in no way affected, to scramble to the aid of this blame-shifter. To be effective, this diplomacy, has to be played simultaneously at multiple levels. After all, the world is a stage and is not everyone an actor?

The perpetrators have this nightmare. What happens if this victim card diplomacy results in one of the following responses?

Raising the shoulder or washing the hands off and or standing aloof?

Now, the perpetrators get a reality check with the Digging the pit diplomacy.

Who is the “He”?

An individual who has been keeping tabs on the flurry of diplomatic and back-channel activities around the globe.

What inspired him?

For all the money and time spent in all these activities, these diplomats and back-channelers are left with no resource or energy to focus on the ordinary individuals and their sundry problems. While at it, he thought of this exercise, as a means to position himself as a pseudo-diplomat. All said and done, he is smug happy for having involved the human body parts, to the extent possible!

In your opinion, if you feel that he had created a mess, you are free to use one of his suggested diplomatic manoeuvres, to settle the issue with him.