Chitragupta leaves Ganesha in a fix:

Chitragupta was mystified by the frantic messages coming, one after another. Drawn to this chatter, he decided to open one and to his surprise, that one click had opened to hundreds of messages and none had any content. He wondered whether spoofers or amateurs have taken over a repeater station or the station itself was suffering with some technical glitz! He tried to locate the sender of these messages, thinking that someone might be trying to drag him into some misadventure. He was shocked and perplexed to find that this avalanche had originated from the office of Ganesha.

Not a deity to be taken lightly, he dashed off a confirmatory message and prepared to reach Ganesha's abode as quickly as he could. A hurried inspection, assured him that no docket, containing heavenly secrets, lay open to the prying eyes of any clandestine visitor.  He believed in locking the vault first rather than chasing the missing documents, later. He chuckled to himself at this brief memory recall - of Yama's travails and trip down to earth, a long eons ago!

Arriving at the abode, Chitragupta expected to be taken inside to meet with Ganesha.  Instead, his ears picked up an elephantine sigh, blaring out from a spot in the garden. There, he saw Ganesha trying to vent out his frustration. Chitragupta got the feeling, that nothing seemed to have worked so far to calm him down. During a turn in his trampling march, Ganesha caught sight of the visitor. Quickly, trans-positioning himself, he acknowledged the visitor with a flap of his ears - so tired, he was unable to even lift and wave a hand in welcome!

“Chitragupta, did you get the message, my trusted aide sent to you? Are you wondering about the many repeat messages? Mooshik, has become jittery nowadays and often looks overly confused. After sending the first message, he might have sent the second to ensure. To make sure of the second, he must have sent the third and not knowing when to stop, even now must be sending the same message, to you.”

“Ganesha, what is the matter? I found no mention of it in the messages?”

“Thank my jittery assistant for these ‘no content’ messages. Lately, he has been acting a little strange. Ok, now that you are here, let me tell you everything. Chitragupta, you know very well, that I am a go to and easy to please deity, with minimum fuss.”

“No doubt about that. Even a lump of clay or turmeric paste is all that takes to invoke, worship and please you”. 

“See, now you are also trying to make fun of me for being too ordinary.”

“No, no. I was merely trying to bring out how easy it is to approach you, compared to the other deities.” 

“The rishis or the white bearded sadhus have conspired to portray me as a down to earth deity. They hit me below the belt, by introducing a lump of clay or turmeric paste to represent me. After invoking my blessings, they cooly sideline me  top start their main and grand Pooja. Don’t you think, it is little far-fetched?”

“ I did not feel this bad, when Vyasa requested me to be his scribe. I happily obliged, with only one condition that once started, he should not pause or stop the dictation. When he hit a difficult passage, he wisely circumvented my condition by posing difficult riddles for me to solve. This naturally slowed down the speed of transcription. I knew he used them to gain time to think through, and to keep up the charade, I too went along willingly.” 

Chitragupta watched silently, while Ganesha sat shaking his head, flapping the oversized ears and furtively glancing here and there. He understood that Ganesha wanted a breather, before pouring out his current woes. Unable to bear the suspense, he asked, “Are you expecting anyone to join us now?"

“Chitragupta, answer me, why being an approachable deity should bring blames on to me?”

Chitragupta blinked and wondered, how was he going to answer this question without knowing the context!

Ganesha continued, "A got-lucky devotee came with dozens of coconuts and started to smash them against a boulder, lying by my side. Exactly at that instant when a coconut broke into pieces, another devotee, passing by, got hit on his forehead. Of course, there was a little bloodletting."

"Oh, how unfortunate," murmured Chitragupta. 

“Yes, it was for me”, said Ganesha.

 “The coconut smasher blamed me for timing the arrival of the other person and the injured person blamed me for the unprovoked incident. I was lucky that the coconut also did not decide to blame me. Is this because I am an easy to please and easily taken for a ride deity?”

“Ganesha, you got unduly annoyed over this behaviour!”

“Chitragupta, hear this. Needy, greedy or solace seekers throng to my simple abode. The problem is, like a chain store I have a temple, in every street corner. As their ‘easy to please and easily taken for a ride deity’ they either plead or at times threaten me, to make favourable things happen or else tone. Should I be such an ordinary deity whom anyone can approach, threaten and getaway?”

“I agree. Even for a deity, tolerance has a limit. Why don't you try and scare them a little, and bring them back on track?”

“How can I, being only the gatekeeper for the other powerful deities? Those who come and threaten me are devotees of those other powerful entities. This is my problem. How, being what I am, could I take cudgels against all of them?”

“Definitely, your problem is of a peculiar kind and your dilemma is understandable but inevitable.” 

This sliding answer irked Ganesha. Narrowing his eyes in anger, he said, "Chitragupta, the messages were not sent asking for a chitchat. Maybe, I have overestimated your abilities to suggest a suitable solution. If so, free feel to go."

Chitragupta was unnerved by this outburst. He neither underestimated or overestimated his abilities. At the same time, suggesting a solution would surely put him in the path of an intense laser beam or land him in the slimy grip of a snake. Both the outcomes looked personally endangering.  As a best option, he chose to call a time out, for now.

In a conciliatory tone, he said, “Superficially the problem appears to be simple, but deep down it is quite complex. Give me some more time to come up with a solution."

Ganesha retorted, "Are you trying to imply that this problem is more complex than those riddles I had solved for Vyasa?"

Taken aback, Chitragupta said "How can I infer so? I am nothing but a tally-maker, with limited numerical capabilities. Will you not agree with me that I am out of my depths, when it comes to riddles or human nature?"

Ganesha sensed a trap. If he agreed, Chitragupta cannot be forced. If he disagreed, then Chitragupta will escape, after rendering some more of the sliding answers. He knew, Chitragupta will bite the bait, if cornered. Raising his voice a notch, he retorted, "Is it your habit to answer a question with another one? Now you have no choice but to stay here till you find a solution."

Instantly, a background story began its run in Chitragupta’s mind – the sufferings of Brahma.  Ganesha's brother Karthikeya had him imprisoned and in a fit of anger, his father Siva had clipped off his fifth head. Chitragupta understood the nuanced, unequivocal and implied threat. Ganesha was willing to follow their footsteps! His hope that his reluctance, to suffer like Brahma, would be appreciated, took a mighty hit.

Threat hanging over his head, Chitragupta managed to come up with two likely approaches. First option, to appeal to Ganesha’s family, requesting for an intervention, A long shot worth a cautious attempt by Ganesha. But it guaranteed two possible outcomes for the proposer. (1) He may have to run for dear life, to escape the wrath with the head still attached  or to avoid the laser treatment or the jail term.

(2) He may have to befriend the many headed snake and get into its master's good books. Oftentimes, Chitragupta had wondered, if disturbed, who gets easily annoyed - the master or the snake? A snake bite is treatable but what about its master’s anger? Will Ganesha provide him with an insurance cover, against snake bite or the attack from a flying saucer of the snake’s master? Or to play it safe, will he choose the relationship as  more important than my discomfort?

Unmindful of Chitragupta’s predicament, Ganesha happily resumed his plodding, listening to the peculiar crunching sounds coming out of Chitragupta's mind.  Chitragupta has this habit of making these crunching sounds, while cursing himself - this time, for having rushed to respond to Ganesha’s messages.  Chitragupta felt like a rat caught in a mouse trap. Being an intelligent “rat” himself, he hit upon an idea to come out of the trap unharmed. 

Second option, to appeal to Ganesha’s intelligence, to solve his own problem. Approaching with a smile, he said, " With immense intelligence, you had solved Vyasa's riddles just like that. Probably, you’re thinking that complex problems should end in complex solutions. This might be preventing you from looking at simple solutions, as beneath your acumen!

Ganesha's heart swelled with pride, on being praised about his intelligence. He hastened to ask, " Chitragupta, what is that simple solution that I did not consider?"

“Just disappear from the worshippers’ landscape, wait and watch for a while. Your problems get solved automatically, without much effort!”

Though this suggestion perked up Ganesha's ears, he immediately sensed a hesitation. “Ganesha, if you don't want to disappear and drive away your devotees, I have this remedial suggestion. With your divine powers, you can simply change the colour of Mooshik from grey to black to brown and white and then back to grey, in a cyclic manner. This miracle will surely bring back all and some more devotees, to your door steps. Over all, how do you like my ideas?”

“Mmm, ok. I agree to try out the part of the idea that involves Mooshik. But, how am I to deal with the superior deities to sort out the sidelining issue?”

Chitragupta wondered why so many doubts sprout in Ganesha's mind! He explained, " Have no qualms about how the superior deities will respond. They follow divine principles, which they themselves have revealed and got a legion of sages and rishis to set them in scriptures, for posterity. There will be no risk of a confronting, but an outreach to find a solution for your inconveniences. At the end of the day, is it not all in the family?

Set aside, the fear of reprisals and boldly stage the disappearing act. The performers of poojas, will be perplexed and confused and their grand pooja plans will hit the roadblock. Half-hearted poojas will only invite the wrath of the propitiated. Sensing this stalemate, the superior deities will proscribe the act of invoking and sidelining you, henceforth. And you come out a winner!”

Chitragupta did not wait for a reply, and took flight at the first opportunity, happy to escape without a rap on the knuckle or a prison term. Ganesha was fuming within himself for hitting a cul-de-sac at every turn!

He resumed his solitary stomping-in-the-garden routine, confused about the usefulness of Chitragupta’s solutions. For good measure, he cursed Mooshik, for contacting Chitragupta.

Diplomacy of everyday kind:

During school days, he was a borderline case in geography. History frightened the wits out of him - every other chapter, letting bloodbath in battles and conquests. Mercifully, some historians tried to lessen the nightmare by including chapters on acts of vitalising art forms, music, dancing, literature and architecture. These few narrators tried to show the victors, notwithstanding the sufferings wrought on the populace, in a positive light – a nascent form of modern day paid promotion.

Escaping the mandatory academic stream did not end in anyway better. Modern history filled the chapters with same old bloodbath stories, with bullets, bombs, missiles and diplomats. Somewhere down the line, the geographical borders became meaningless as new breed of fighters emerged – the terrorists. They became freedom fighters, for any cause, as long as their acts are sponsored by sovereign, nations, and violated national and international laws. Sponsoring nations and rubber-stamping international bodies, hibernate instead of acting to weed out the crop of terrorists and their yield - terrorism.

While nations moved their diplomats around the globe, how can he sit idle, twiddling his thumbs and feeling sidelined? what could he do? Why should not he be involved? He decided to, whatever it takes to, lay it threadbare, in the public domain, so that the passer-byes would recognise the nuances of his brand of diplomacy, sans diplomatic couriers, pouches and passports!

The needed expertise is not acquired, through a stint in Foreign Ministry or by chasing-the-shadow-of a jetliner, over the oceans. If at all, the skill gets fine-tuned by staying ahead, on one’s own learning curve. This diplomacy is active, not between countries in conflict but within the ordinary people - us and among us. Broadly speaking, a domestic version and an equally important vocational version, of this diplomacy exists, with striking parallels. Geopolitical diplomacy is structured with many parts. Likewise, this type too uses many parts – of the body! Due to utter lack of appreciation, this diplomacy does not draw media attention, though it comes with the possibilities of retreats.

 Under the bus:

Maybe it is an embedded technology, in the DNA of escape artists. To walk away from the mess – created or stepped into, these artists don’t think twice to gladly push a scapegoat under the bus, laden with the blame. No ‘goat worth its bleat goes willingly to the slaughterhouse’! At home, the scapegoat could be a past-the-prime person, and in the work environment, it would be a face-in-the-crowd junior artist without dialogues. These diplomats know the golden rule - all fingers are not equal and there is a world of difference in what each one could mean.

 Indexing diplomacy:

By far, the favourite for many reasons is the index finger. By lying horizontal or parallel to the ground, it helps in effortlessly shifting the mess on to someone else. Standing straight, the index finger wags, left and right, to send warning signals to the blamed one. At home or in the work-related context, the index finger could zero in on anyone, bearing a striking resemblance to the crowd-scene junior artist with inappropriate makeup. This is a 2-in-1 finger diplomacy - effective in shifting the blame and at the same time to send warning signals.

Thumbing diplomacy:

Next in line is the thumb. Its sole diplomatic brief is - ask someone else, I don't know. This is slightly different from the shifting the mess diplomacy. This thumbing diplomat leaves open a backdoor to easily escape without assigning responsibility to a specific target - a sort of hoot and scoot move. Having obtained this diplomatic wisdom, the person starts to practice the shoulder-shrug diplomacy, to be little more emphatic in conveying- the I don’t know! This thumb and shoulder-shrug diplomacy has no competitor in its universal appeal as neutral diplomacy.  It is as useful as note verbale or demarche or aide-memoire  or any other diplomatic tool!  

Middle finger diplomacy:

This is a rarely used, un-diplomatic diplomacy. It has an ‘adult only' restriction as only they can get away being crude or rude by quoting justification and clauses, from their own diplomatic code book. This middle finger diplomacy, also known as rage diplomacy, is practiced among the general public, when one becomes angry by the actions of another. The flip side is, whenever a juvenile tries to raise this finger, it is forcefully put down and frowned upon by the same people who happily pursue this modus operandi.

All fingers on deck diplomacy:

This a classical act, in itself. This, universal gesture needs geometrical perfection to pull it off. Here is how this diplomacy unfolds - hands swivelled outwards by 45°, back of palms parallel to the ground, all fingers extending out in perfect alignment to the palms and matched with a half sheepish grin. This gesture conveys a nuanced philosophical approach - who knows, whose fault it is? what has to happen has happened, what I can do? In the practice of this diplomacy, the diplomat ropes in the palms and reluctantly co-operating (remaining close to the body) forearms.

Closed first diplomacy:

This diplomacy is reserved for use between individuals, either related or unrelated. Outbursts laden with harsh words are exchanged (not allowed in geopolitical diplomacy) and closed fists are brought to the table.  Sometimes, the engagement stops abruptly and at times lingers on for a length of time. When the situation spirals out of control, irrespective of time and place, this diplomatic spat ends in fisticuffs and bruises. Since claiming diplomatic immunity is not an option, facing the music of Law & Order is a given. Few nations use this form of as “posturing or provocative” diplomacy, just to gauge the reaction of another nation, without exchanging punches.

Wolf in lambs’ hide diplomacy:

This kind. a go-to-diplomacy, is assiduously practiced when a nation or a person believes, that it is easier to escape consequences, by diverting attention rather than holding on to an unanswerable mess. Spreading reasonably sounding, dubious allegations, on any likely contributing factor, from the past to the future does the trick. Use of software glitches and computer viruses add mystery to the misinformation.  This diplomacy is exclusive to overt or covert dabblers in others’ affairs.

 Reverse or boomerang diplomacy:

There comes a point, when push comes to shove, and the mess created is very serious. As a last-ditch effort, the “perpetrator” - be it a nation or an individual. plays this victim card diplomacy. This category of action is so potent, like the nuclear deterrent, it draws in ‘others’ who are in no way affected, to scramble to the aid of this blame-shifter. To be effective, this diplomacy, has to be played simultaneously at multiple levels. After all, the world is a stage and is not everyone an actor?

The perpetrators have this nightmare. What happens if this victim card diplomacy results in one of the following responses?

Raising the shoulder or washing the hands off and or standing aloof?

Now, the perpetrators get a reality check with the Digging the pit diplomacy.

Who is the “He”?

An individual who has been keeping tabs on the flurry of diplomatic and back-channel activities around the globe.

What inspired him?

For all the money and time spent in all these activities, these diplomats and back-channelers are left with no resource or energy to focus on the ordinary individuals and their sundry problems. While at it, he thought of this exercise, as a means to position himself as a pseudo-diplomat. All said and done, he is smug happy for having involved the human body parts, to the extent possible!

In your opinion, if you feel that he had created a mess, you are free to use one of his suggested diplomatic manoeuvres, to settle the issue with him.