Saturday, 28 September 2024

Angst of a writer

 Why at all to write? 

It is an urge that defies control, only to get trapped in a framework. It is generally constructed with accepted or understood pegs, marking the corners of the many-sided work. With each side demanding adherence to a certain regimen, the writer is stressed to squeeze out ideas as a topic, hoping to capitalise on the reader's interest. As in the sides of the framework, to evoke the interest in a reader, the writer does a gymnast's act of marshalling ideas as sentences, sprinkling some similes, humour and philosophy here and there, and waving the magic wand to produce an abracadabra. If lucky, rarely so, the writer gets someone to point out errors in spelling, grammar or facts. If not, a solo sailing into rough weather of errors being pointed out, after the writer goes public. 

Only an experienced writer can understand and empathise with the struggles of a budding writer. The exercise of writing is strenuous to put it mildly. The writer has to shoulder many roles, as hunter to trap ideas, as a linguist to search for apt words, as a drill sergeant to discipline and parade the sentences, as a soldier facing 'writer's block' lost in unknown land and finally as a seasoning chef to dish out the menu. At this point the menu awaits tasters.

It is like a sentence of solitary confinement for the plot in the mind. Seeking out thoughts, collecting one-liners from the life of historical figures, named syndromes and paradoxes without knowing where and how they would fit into the narrative, which itself has not revealed the course it is going to take. Finally, when all these things make their way into the narrative, the writer gets to see the rough draft. 

But before this rough draft – The writer walks alone, only with his thoughts for company. Thoughts in the meanwhile try to befriend words and then sentences to give some help.  Now, how can the writer keep quiet? The lonely walk is now becoming longer, to iterate, chart factual and logical routes to get them integrated into a rough narrative. All the while keeps an eye on pitfalls and grammatical mines. Tension builds up regarding the apt choice to be made- active, passive, neutral, past, present or future tense. A worried walk ends in a quarter- final draft.

Red signals dot the draft here and there. Spelling, verb, tense and punctuation marks continue to cry for rectification. Second reading of this quarter-final draft indicates, the tone of the narrative is not resonating with the topic in some places. This correction brings this draft to a third reading. In between, some inspired inclusions started knocking at the door for consideration. One more reading with the latest additions to the draft leaves the writer in a dilemma. Which draft was better - before additions or afterwards. In frustration, the writer labels it a semi-final draft and takes a breather. 

The upbeat or down stroke of weaving the corrections into the latest semi-final draft, due   to self-doubt on literary talent haunting after too many redrafting leaves the writer weary and low on energy. Now all but shouting the hurrah moment has come. The writer decides it is enough, becoming worried about some more walking, stamps this draft as corrected and final.  

This maiden attempt, without the guidance of an editor, makes the writer lean on to the willingness of friends - for a fresh look and comments. Like a writer's block, now he comes face to face with a reader's block. Hope alternating with despair, the writer starts to wonder, "Why at all this much pain?"  

What can the writer do, at this stage, if all the prospective readers suffer from bibliophobia? Run to the nearest pharmacy for a hair growth medication. Maybe, it might come in handy after splitting hairs, wondering how to drag the unwilling horse to the trough!  

The writer understands, the love for reading is neither contagious nor transferable; if forced, becomes an abhorrent. How to make such reluctant persons, to read, who are too happy to bond with the screen of a smartphone?  

The writer remembers this bath-room experience.  “Assume, having left a mug of water, thinking it is full, and what happens when you lift it after some time?  You lift it, assuming it as a water filled mug. Don’t you feel its weightlessness for a microsecond? It almost flies off your hand.”   

Or, unknown to the writer, any other personal reasons each held as an excuse to give his writing a rejection slip, without giving him a chance? So much for erroneous assumptions. Like this, previous perceptions come in the way to change and accept the present! 

The writer understood the reason for this. Relatives thinking what he knows about writing or I would have done it better than this or I have no time to spend on this type of reading material etc. Friends, on the other hand, may come up with responses like ‘ebullient’, ‘effervescent’, or 'tepid’.  The writer spends time wondering whether to take this as positive appreciation or indirectly hinting to improvise some more. At least, this sits better than ‘no response’ or ‘no comments. 

Persistent person that the writer is, quickly comes out of wishful thinking, to find a way to positively deliver the reach outs. For a writer dreaming a plot, populating it with characters and prodding them with dialogues, this ploy is like a child's play. Though the task of messaging appeared simple, the complexity becomes apparent, considering the differing tastes of the targeted prospective readers.   

Prepared messages, with topics of interest, and a surreptitiously buried link that will take them to the writeup.  Now at least the 'read or unread' itself will be an acknowledgement of interest. Incase this ruse fails, the writer is ready for a fresh round of thinking on how to catch an elusive fish!  

The messages generated neither ripples in the cell towers nor waves in the internet. It was disconcerting a bit but the hope of a slim chance of getting a reply lingered in the mind. Exasperation piled over exasperation. Why at all to write, only for getting cold shouldered?  

The writer’s mind was getting overloaded with a lot of ifs and buts. It spoke to the writer in sotto voce, “As you draft, the software does prompt mistakes that need correction. Not satisfied with this, you try it on email. Here too your mistakes are prompted with suggested corrections. Coming to the lamenting part about an editor, have you not already used more than one, till now? Calmly think, who has been reading your thoughts so far - Me, Microsoft and Google! Don’t we qualify as your readers? This exercise is harder than writing a new story!” 

The agitated mind, then came up with an energetic sentence, which it promptly hung beneath the other sentence.  

Why at all to write? 

Why not write! 

Of course, on the wall of the writer’s brain! 

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