Understanding Father

In life, the flood always recedes below the bridge.

From “Mind in a maze”

This is a subject, which transcends generation gap or chasm. Is nothing conveyed by remaining silent? Of course, not! It may not be in words but by implied hints. What defines understanding? Is it based on vocally exchanged viewpoints or intuitively understood thought processes?  Generally, a viewpoint gets a response. What happens, in case of divergence? It gets many warm to heated responses. Either of them, will it be a gamechanger?

For some children, the father becomes a friend and remains so to the end. For some others, the friend slowly becomes a distant entity. For some, he transcends from a feared figure and becomes a friend and affectionate person. In any case, the father, rarely starts to stand up as an Idol from the start. This evolves over time, with right perception. Naturally, when a young child and an adult share an emotional space, some curveballs get served. How the father defends the serves, decides the game. The time, separating itself from space-time, gives the first use to space and waits patiently as a referee.

The nature of the world is to constantly evaluates and criticises, with or without reason – a bias. No one can really escape from its ever-present scrutiny. People, part of that nature, try boost what they like and decry to destroy what did not fall in line with their expectations. Expectation is a twin edged sword- earned by one and shunned by another. If it does not come into reckoning, this another person might have a reason, pathological aversion on expectations or no desire to fulfil them. 

With this background in mind, let us hear a father’s side of the story.

“Dislike has a humble beginning - a structured study time, less time for play and frowning upon hosting friendship.  Often times, it is either an economic consideration or latent burdens being shouldered might be the reasons to sour the relationship between a father and children. At that age, even if I had tried, the explanations would have failed to give them clarity.  At a later stage, when the children become adults, the issue never gets resolved and the resentment lives on. Here, obviously the time has joined the space.

Later on, the children embark on their careers and spend energy in overcoming their own issues. During all these tumultuous journeys of father and children, the mother has the home advantage and good working relationship with children. The father does one thing that is dear to his heart- silently admires and encourages this safe haven for the children. Has he ever told them that after a harsh treatment meted out to them, he cried himself in to sleep?

I might have outdone myself, in the kitchen space. My expertise sole is to boil hot water to make a cup of black coffee. Probably to hide this secret, I never played host nor went as a guest. My personal stock hit an all-time low and was trying to dig deeper into the ground.

Even, if the parents have independent means, the father remains isolated in an emotional island. Too far gone to smoothen the wrinkles - his opinions get over analysed, inadvertent advices are lobbed back on to the man, already marooned. His children have no time to evaluate his environment, by placing themselves there. A casual observer, might log it as an old man’s grumblings, echoing the opinion of children. This casual observer may not even know that “the old man never used the words I told you so”. Is not the father, and old man, implying that he still guides and not criticise them?

I might have over done in coaching them, then, after school hours. A learned teacher comes down to the level of students to teach but I made the mistake of going steps, above their requirement.  A classic case of bringing an elevator when the need was for a ladder. At that time, I might not have realised, the level of stress I induced in their minds. A regretful, misfired attempt - instead of becoming a bull’s eye scorer, I turned out to be a bully in their eyes.

 Today, as a grandfather, gathering their kids to teach, they would surely have noticed the passion. Probably, in the inner reaches of their minds, they would have understood this old man, as their father, then.

 Life is not a surgical procedure – begins with an incision, repairs and ends in suture. Whatever be the fatherly faults, should not the children remember, the anchorage he was able to provide. Of course, he might not have emoted appreciation in proper measures and might have given them a heavy dose of criticism, at that time. In his inner heart, the idea was not to allow praise to hop into their heads and make use of his criticisms to try harder. Emotional punches apart, are they not now their own masters of their destiny!

A suggestion, to them, becomes, a three-body problem, as in Astronomy. The source, the receiver and the fellow traveller (casual observer in this case). Nature has found a way to work out the mechanics, but you and I can only complicate it. A suggestion impacts in three ways - the giver if not taken seriously, the receiver if taking it seriously and the fellow traveller totes a mixed bag; happy if not accepted, sour if accepted. The message is to think, assess the impact, before acting. The problem cannot be solved by ignoring the third body.

Children need not cause a tsunami near that island. The least, a marooned person expects now, is no further isolation. This island-man has two questions for them - are you perfect in every sense of the word? Have I uttered anything other than an alert, fully aware that it has a take or leave tag?

Remember this. Always, interests cannot be aligned.  Viewpoints will differ and verbal exchanges will occur. Denials are to be suffered. This is the sum and summary of life. Then, the father had only the time to thank and his resolve to keep them protected from the aftereffects of his junked life. Has he not prevented his grief from becoming theirs’s too?

Instead of appreciation, all I have been receiving are snide comments and insensitive actions., contravening one' belief should not cause grief in another. The father asks himself, “Who am I, to expect a better deal?”

When these missing links are identified and connected, everybody becomes to matter, on the same page.”