{Many would happily come forward with suggestions, without realising the hidden troubles they bring....page-2, ChintaMany's diary}
ChintaMany could not get off from the 'Fear is the Lock ' experience. A silent paradox surfaced in his mind - suggestion brings trouble or trouble brings suggestion. While he was debating the egg or chicken first conundrum, his hindsight prodded him to read the next page, in the diary, and be done with it. ChintaMany looked around to see who spoke to him just now! Finding none and little puzzled by this , he went to the suggested page in the diary. Immediately he understood that this particular worry-point has been getting pushed down the line and yet struggled to come up in the order. It remained beyond his comprehension, how in a diary worry-points get moved randomly and what invisible force caused them to behave like that.
What is this 'Understanding Father' trying to convey?
Surely this is a matter which transcends generation gap or chasm. ChintaMany wanted to analyse and understand but lacked key inputs to guide him through this tricky subject. He stared at the title which remained mute. Is nothing conveyed by remaining silent? He understood, of course, not! It may not be in words but by implied hints. Is it based on vocally conveyed viewpoints or intuitively understood thought process? With this clarity be sufficient to define understanding? Either of them will it be an indicator of understanding or lack of it!
For some, father becomes a friend and remains so to the end. For some, the bond of friendship slowly weakens. For some, the relationship transforms from a feared figure, becomes a friend and affectionate. Father rarely starts to stand up as an Idol from the beginning. This evolves over time, with right perception. Naturally, when a young and an adult share emotional space, some curveballs get served. Some viewpoints get sharp responses, divergent views emerge, leading to fissures in the relationship.
ChintaMany reached the next stage and posed this question to himself - What is the origin? He released a sigh of relief, hearing no witty comeback wondering hindsight got tongue tied!
People constantly change parameters to evaluate, criticise and awarding grades. Somebody has told them that nothing remains constant and they decided to disprove by constantly getting at some thing or other. No one, even a father, can really escape from this scrutiny. People hype and boost what they like and decry to destroy what did not sit well with them.
ChintaMany deftly caught this nibbling fish- 'Expectation', and immediately sensed a danger. Expectation has two components, yearned by one and shunned by another. Failure to understand - this another person might have a reason- pathological aversion on expectations and no desire to fulfill them - the relationship has entered a conflict zone.
Dislike has a humble beginning here. A structured study time, less time for play and hosting friendship often gets the father in the crosshairs of children's ire. Economic considerations or latent burdens spill over to sour the relationship between a father and children. Here, ChintaMany called a halt to the progression of words, as they have to balance the Children's disappointment with that of the father's unenviable position. May as a gown up he could have explained everything kindly and nicely but that would not have happened if he happens to be a bottler of emotions.
At that dream-filled age, explanations however sweet and reasonable fail to give them clarity. The worst happens in the absence of an explanation. In most cases, when the children become adult, the issue remains unresolved or a remnant of it surfaces now and then. The bonding between a father and -child-turned adult stays strong, if both have attempted periodic venting and mending of bruised feelings. The hibernating hindsight awoke and startled ChintaMany with something resembling a war cry. Did you do any of these wise things to vent and mend? Searching for a strong comeback, ChintaMany could only manage a weak whimper-that is why now, I am trying to help others.
As life goes on, the children embark on their careers and spend energy in overcoming their own issues. During all these tumultuous journeys, of father and children, the mother has the home advantage and good working relationship with children. Proximity enjoyed and care received prepares the children not to take even strident criticisms to heart. Unlike with father, frictions don't last long. ChintaMany spent some time, debating this point and concluded it may be due to different chemical triggers, a physiological factor.
Even if the parents have independent means, the father remains isolated in an emotional island. In some cases, the disharmonious state has gone too far, to smoothen the wrinkles. The children have no time to evaluate his environment by placing themselves there. Opinions get over analysed as a routine; advices get lobbed on to the marooned man, without thinking about effect and consequences. A casual observer might log the viewpoints of the father as grumblings in old age, echoing the thoughts of children. This casual observer has no business, in the first place, to wade into a tight family situation. ChintaMany's hindsight prompted him to ask, " Am I hearing your own experience speaking?"
Incision, repair and suture alone is not a surgical procedure. Anesthesia and medicines too are vital. Whatever be the fatherly faults, should not the children remember the anchorage he was able to provide. Of course, he might not have emoted appreciation in proper measures and might have given a heavy dose of criticism. In his inner heart, the idea was not to allow praise to hop into their heads and criticism to make them try harder. Emotional punches apart, are they not now their own masters of their destiny. Life mirrors a surgical procedure-incision of friction points, repair of disagreements and suture of wounded feelings, along with a dose understanding and appreciation completes a cycle.
ChintaMany decided to give a chance to the marooned man to speak: "You, children need not cause a tsunami near this island. The least, I expect now, is no further isolation. I have two questions for you - are you perfect in every sense of the word? Have I uttered anything other than an alert, taking care to attach it with a take or leave tag? Always interests cannot be aligned to the liking of everyone. Differing viewpoints certainly have emerged, and verbal exchanges occurred and in denying these, have we not suffered.? This is the sum and summary of life, as I understand.
Time - I have to thank, for the resolve to keep you all unexposed to the chaos in my life. It was a mental lock. Harsh words and anachronous actions did not help anybody to understand me as a real person. So, instead of appreciation, I have been receiving snide comments and subjected to insensitive actions. May be everyone thought, "Who is he to expect a better deal?
I believed; one's grief should not become another's; One's belief should not cause grief in another. Some need to hear the constant sound of claps and some use ear plugs to block that noise. It is all a perception. The fact is, there are missing links, have to be identified and connected. If you cannot find time now, the time will find you wanting, later.
I have a word for those who are happy to distribute suggestions. Time for a little science- Any suggestion has a Newtonian twist- a three-body problem. In Astronomy, it is the source, the receiver and the fellow traveller. Nature has found a way to work out the mechanics, but you and I can only complicate it. A suggestion impacts in three ways- the giver if not taken seriously, the receiver if taking it seriously and the fellow traveller totes a mixed bag; happy if not accepted, sour if accepted. The message is to think before speaking - the problem cannot be solved by ignoring the third body."
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