Readers don't digest: 339

 The Reader’s Digest (RD) was his favourite monthly during his student days. He still remembers his fledgling attempts to decode what he read as he hailed from a village/town schooling stream with a not so strong suit in English. Toiled, not by burning the midnight oil variety, learnt and understood the word power he ended up with. He added his meagre share to the prestige and standing of this highly valued magazine, which this monthly had already in its kitty.

As disparate situations call desperate measure, he thought the injustice he was suffering with called for a poetic justice!  He never imagined that a day will come, when he will be emboldened to surgically modify the very same Reader’s Digest, still high in his esteem. The sub-titles of the monthly did not escape plastic surgery. With ample dose of ‘begging your pardon’ slipped in, he performed the painful surgeries without anaesthesia!

He gently excised the apostrophe from the Reader’s to leave it reading as Readers. Introduced a new appendage "don't" and tied it after Readers. The plastic surgery shaped the “D” into a “d” and left a new look digest in place of the old Digest. Fire of disappointment still crackling in his belly, he did plastic surgeries on some selected sub-titles, which still he liked.

Unable to suffer in silence, his in-house editor, none other than his inner voice, decided to take the mike to howl a few words. “Though familiar with your wordsmithing prowess, I could not understand this roundabout grumbling. How do you expect a reader, far removed from your brainstorms, to understand and react? Probably, to retain sanity, the reader chose not to react, even though you have used ‘catchy’ title and sub-titles like the ones Reader’s Digest uses for engaging with its readers!”

Imaginch, well aware of these facts himself, stoutly refused to pay heed as they have come from another source, even if it is from his own mind!

Persisting with its views, his inner voice decided to confront him with excerpts from some his articles, to drive home its point, as to why his readers are not reacting.

Is not laughter the best medicine? (credit: RD, Laughter the best medicine)

The Octogenarian looked crestfallen and forlornly staring at the medicine bottle. The grandchild watching this frozen state ventured to ask, "Grandpa, what is the matter?"

Waiting for such an opening, the 80+ narrated that he had forgotten to shake the bottle before ingesting the medicine. In the same breath he expressed his concern, whether Mr. Alzheimer has decided to come and stay with him. Also, he asked a doubt, whether ingesting the medicine before shaking the bottle will have any undesirable side effects? 

Thinking that a witty reply might ease the old man’s concerns, the grandkid quipped, "Don’t you worry. Laughter is the best medicine. It shakes the body does the mixing of the medicine and as a bonus lets you cry heartily! Mr.  Alzheimer might also go out along with your feeling of not shaking the bottle before use!" 

As a punch line the grandson asked, “How does the shaking matters, if it is a bottle of medicinal castor oil? And then, by way of softening the blow, he tried his best to do a standup comedy. 

“Cut a joke and wait. Nobody laughs.

Then, what happens?

The joke bleeds! 

Thumping majority becoming the limping majority is a setback.

When it becomes a crushing defeat, what it is?

A catastrophe with a capital ‘C” 

Multiple plans lead to nowhere and multiple opinions lead to?

Inertia!” 

Rounding up, his inner voice said, “With these, you surely left them bleeding” Readers failed to appreciate the ingredient of his humour mixed with concerns and a sprinkling of Alzheimer’s syndrome. what appealed to you as a humorous situation might have sounded like a pathetic melodrama! Metaphorically speaking, you did not stop there and went about rubbing salt in the wounds of 80+. 

Quotable quotes without “    ” (credit: RD, Quotable quotes) 

Every day is the same. It becomes good, normal or difficult based on one's actions and resulting reactions. 

The difference between the ordinary and the extraordinary is the word 'extra'. It hides the maximum effort to earn that distinction. 

Liberation is not freedom. It is getting liberated from the notion of freedom. 

Active mind does not mean the worrying kind. If one with it could climb the pinnacle, the place would already be crowded.

Think of these silly points: (credit: RD, Points to ponder) 

Who could have been the one person, really happy about apples not falling far away from the tree?

Sir Isaac Newton. Otherwise, his theory on gravity would have become little more complicated.

Why do eyes shed tears – when sad or happy?

An optimist looks at sadness and says, “Tears wash away the unhappiness!” A pessimist views the happiness and says, “To express a person’s unhappiness, when someone else is feeling happy!”

Character 1: A dream is only a dream, if you dream alone. Along with others, your dream becomes a reality. When that reality becomes a nightmare, how many more dreams would restore sanity? 

Character2: OK. download your dream and send it to me. Then I will decide to dream with you or not and as a result will get nightmares or not. Wait till I calculate the number of dreams required to restore our sanity. But I have this doubt. What happens before we manage to restore our sanity- admission in a psychiatric ward? 

Trying to fill a liquid into a vessel already full? The liquid overflows as spillage.  This holds good even if two different kinds of liquid are involved. Same result.  Replace the liquids with affection -same result! 

Two trees do not grow as they should if near each other. Compete for the resources. They cry for ample space. In this respect, affection mirrors the two trees. If fondness has to grow, give affection some space to grow. 

The writer lamented, why, no reader grasped the essence of satire, duality of human nature and scientific temper, I have portrayed? 

His inner voice had a different interpretation and murmured, “your attempted satire, duality of human nature and scientific temper fell flat on the reader. He or she might have noticed, not the essence but the residue of rejects! Your sub-title was enough to scare away the reader, even before the first sentence ends. Who has the patience to squeeze out the essence out of nonsense? 

Is this all in a day's work for you? (credit: RD, All in a day’s work) 

“Cherry pickers are ‘dime a dozen’. From ordinary walk to formula 1 racing type, they come across as sour apples and mumbling-grumbling sobsters. Day in and day out, no issue escapes their attention, for a commentary or comment. This lot of escape artists transcend borders with wanton ease, for this purpose of cherry picking.  

From their agitated intellectual’s thinkosphere, they believe tot have inherited unfettered rights to demean, decry the country which still allows them the freedom to indiscriminately express biased criticisms. Is it entitlement syndrome? 

Do one need to be reminded that one need not be an ultra-national or have patriotic blood circulating in the body, to feel a semblance of belonging to the nation? While being ever ready to take, print and publish a negative picture of each and everything you see or hear under the excuse of a constitutional compulsive right. Before exercising that right, why don’t you think about the humble beginning this nation had inheriting only rich problems and an impoverished treasury and had managed to progress, in spite of people like you? If your elk cannot inspire at least don’t spit out spites. The nation could and will do without your August or September presence. Take your pick.” 

“The residents cannot sleep thinking that the pet dog will guard the gates. That dog cannot sleep thinking the gate will guard the house. The dog can only wag its tail to ward off sleep! That pet dog waits for parole, after 24 hours, yearning to walk, sniff and paw at the earth, in search of its lost freedom. It has to be satisfied with a few hearty barks at other dogs to express its displeasure, which it cannot show to its master at the cost of forgoing food and shelter. Freedom be leashed!” 

 As he had expected, the hammer did not fall. Not one reader picked up the gauntlet thrown by his eloquent prose. 

His hurt and anguish stirred the inner voice to join issues with him. “Let me part with some ‘wisdom’ for you. Seething with indignation, you searched and found some hard-hitting words to chasten the cherry pickers. I find that quantity of quality is depleting fast from your rantings. Revisit your own writing which ran like this: “The nation could and will do without your August or September presence”. Now take your own pick, stop ranting and let me have my peace of mind! 

Exasperated beyond the limits of sufferings, his inner voice finally gathered its courage and hissed, “You are the only writer who wrote a tailpiece for a small writeup.   The aftermath of reading your write-up is always painful. There is a delete function, in the dropdown menu on your laptop.  why don't you practice using it often? 

Let me put it across to you plainly and in simple words. “Your humour needs to be put in uniform, to be disciplined! Your write-ups need to be shredded, though you it has paid to increase your vocabulary. Kindly spare the Reader’s Digest and your readers. Pardon me for saying your slips are showing! 

What did the writer do?

Got the outline for another story, this time to take his inner voice to a laundromat for brain washing!