Newspaper Nuisance.

Reading a fresh print-news paper is a pleasure.

The smell, crisp paper between fingers, perfect fold between sheets, turning to the subsequent pages, in sequence, is a blessing in itself. But the blessing comes with a rider, if you travel by train (or) a long distance bus.

Straightening the edges and folding the paper to that page is an art. This type of a reader is a paper folding (or) origami expert. 

Wait... Wait; there is another type of an expert who can fold the paper column wise even when a gale is blowing around him. 

Yes you guessed right, both the types never travel, even for a short distance, without the news paper!

There are others (Ying balanced by Yang), who take immense pleasure in reading the news paper brought by someone else. Not that this type of reader can ill afford to buy his own, but has belief that someone else will always bring one. 

This way he gets to enjoy more than one daily paper. In the bargain he also saves a little change.

You will certainly meet such characters in any air-conditioned chair car of any inter-city train. A careful observation, will reveal that “you buy I read” type is restricted to the He-man category of passengers only. 

Our womankind does not indulge (or) entertain this habit. A noble principle, the other gender can emulate!

Having watched this “You buy I read types” (YBIR) from close quarters, you may have come to the following conclusions, in general. 

They will, walk any distance to go to, a salon (or) a consulting room (or) a tea stall if they subscriber to news papers and magazines. 

Alternatively, this could be the reason why the above places buy news papers and magazines, to hold on to the clientele or may be to compile statistics and pass on to the circulation mangers to reduce the number of copies printed.

Imagine such a type of passenger occupying the next seat next to you - you have a guaranteed, memorable journey in store. In addition, if, you are an origami expert, then experience a cultural shock and surging blood pressure.

The modus operandi begins like this: You open the Newspaper, he gets interested in it. When you turn to the second page, he will just show a mild displeasure. 

When you turn to the 3rd page, becomes restless as he is yet to complete the 2nd page.  At this point, he will turn towards you and give you a look and mildly snort like an impatient Bull – implying what is the hurry?  

You fold the news paper to read the centre page, he starts to fidget, pulls up his collar, flexes his fingers with loud crackling sounds and snorts like an aggressive bull. 

This body language resembles that of an aggressive batsman, in a T-20 match, taking guard to tackle fast bowlers!

If you can borrow Lord Shiva’s 3rd eye for a moment, you can actually see a pair of horns rising from the sides of his head. 

If lucky, you might even get a glimpse of pawing, with his non-existent hoofs, the floor of the compartment -indicating a bull readying for a showdown. 

On the other hand if he beats you to it, you will vaporise on the spot!

Beware! He is passing down a message “you can as well give me some pages, and try to manage with the rest”.  

A Hobson’s choice (or) a Shakespearean dilemma.  “To be or not to be” (to be patient or impatient)! A point of no return is now reached. A weak matador (you) surrenders and parts with his newspaper - in part or full.

A strong matador confronts the Bull with a scorching look and continues with his reading. A clever and strong matador has his own doosras and theesras to let stump the Bull – he simply reads his paper upside down! 

The miffed Bull hesitates, retreats and withdraws from the engagement. He wearily, eyes another greener pasture. Here the law of averages caught on with him.

Spotting a vacant seat and a gentleman with a folded newspaper, he decided to migrate to the greener pasture. Nonchalantly, dangling his arms by his sides, he started walking in the aisle way.

For unknown reasons, the speeding train came to a screeching halt. The forward momentum made the bull to lurch and stumble. Loosing balance, his fore head hit the edge of an aisle seat.

Co-passengers helped him to regain balance. YBIR man was in intense pain and gingerly ran his fingers over his forehead, to feel the cause of the throbbing pain 

When he turned around, the passengers had a darshan of Shiva’s third eye – albeit a sightless one! A marble sized bump had neatly formed, at the centre of his fore head – sans the eye lids and iris.

If you are not geared up for this sort of experience, better read the news paper at home (or) practise reading it upside down. 

This will insulate you and keep your blood pressure within limits.

A stray thought just occurred in the mind of Bystander:

Railways can ask the newspaper publishers to distribute complimentary copies to Chair car passengers at every station. 

In turn, the newspaper publishers can request Railways to share the cost fifty-fifty!

Bystander wondered whether the Bull will collect all the free issues and sell them to make a little on the side lines, as travelling allowance!

Ails of Aisle seat.

Even with fewer luggages, the rail journey, in a chair car, will not be a comfortable one. Co-passengers may not be aware of this age old adage of the Railways and board the train thinking it as the last “Ark of Noah”.

Unfortunately, the Railways have not come up with any restriction on the size & weight of the luggage accompanying a passenger. Even if, some restriction is enforced, the intelligent passenger will co-opt other passengers to beat the weight rule.

This leaves out the size of the luggage, as the Railways being a Terra fir-ma transport, has not contemplated regulations in lines with air travel – volumetric & weight specifications for cabin & “hold” luggage. We are aware that the air lines charge excess baggage, as a deterrent!

The absence of such a regulation results in ….  Please read further.

The luggage pieces brought in by the passenger, sport an airline’s stickers to proudly announce their just landed status. May be they are glad to breathe air-conditioned air, a relief from the stifling transcontinental flight, in the aircraft's’ belly.

The passenger bringing in such a luggage himself gets carried away by the feeling that he has just flown in. How many actually hold on to the security tag, for a false sense of superiority, is something that we would not ponder about today

The struggle to maneuver the pieces through the narrow door, drag it in the aisle way and stow it on the over head rack, if successful, is tougher than a ballet dance (or) an Olympic gymnastic event. All through these exercises, the owner of the luggage gives a damn for the inconveniences caused to fellow travellers.

At the door he will hold other travellers from getting inside, while trying to squeeze the tightly packed luggage, broad side. It never will occur to him to take the piece sideways – a logical move!

Once inside the compartment, he will start a visual survey to find a suitable spot for setting down his precious luggage. Passengers who managed to get in will stay blocked as long as this gentleman is satisfied with the luggage placing arrangement.

On the way, he will target the body parts of the aisle seat occupants. Eye glasses get dislodged, noses are smashed, shoulders are crushed and toes are scrapped.

The inconvenience caused by this sort of out-sized luggage pieces, on the aisle seated, is to be experienced to be believed. It increases as the train stops at intermediate stations, taking in more passengers & more heavy luggage’s. Absence of the tell tale stickers makes one wonder if the man and his baggage are in a “ready to fly” status.

These aisle passengers get a firsthand experience on force, weight and impact – a physics class on wheels!

The aggravation increases if the maneuvers are carried out when the train is on the move and the lugger shoulders a free–to- dangle bag. He exempts none of the aisle seaters.

After these exercises - if he does not find a suitable place (or) the luggage does not fit in to the rack – he simply leaves it in the aisle. All the time, it will be left a little away from his seat such that he can maintain a visual contact with it throughout the journey.

By the time he settles down, the train will reach another stop and one more passenger will enact the episode one more time (or is it an encore?).

You pray that the coach gets filled only with point to point travellers. If inevitable at least let it get filled with in two or three scheduled stops.

Wait. This is not the happy end. There are others to torment the aisle seaters – passengers using the aisle as thoroughfare to move from one compartment to another, the interminable procession of catering staffs from pantry car, the unauthorised vendors en-training /de-training at will.

The catering staffs deserve a special mention over the unauthorised ones. The catering staff will rest the plastic tray of eatable on the back rest of the nearest aisle seat. He does not ask for permission nor can be told to set the tray elsewhere.

In dispensing eatables, with chutney or sauce, some liquid may spill on your shirt and pant. He tenders an apology and a paper towel. The picture that flashes in your mind will be one when you ducked bird droppings from heaven – being alert and taking the best evasive action possible is the only solution.

You are right in concluding that the inventor of the vestibule is the root cause of all these troubles – aisle being used as thoroughfare and pantry car becoming part of the vestibule train.

Being observant, nothing of this sort escapes Bystander’s attention. He already carries a grudge on the Railways and its’ passengers. On the spur of that moment, his agitated mind framed the following suggestions for the Railway Authorities. .

The Railways should come up with standard size for the luggage – (1) Aisle width- 3” (or) (2) door width-3” with a conditional clause “whichever is less”. Alternatively change the size of the over head rack and ban keeping luggage's in the Aisle. To take matter in hand, the Railways can attach a mini luggage van for each Chair Car and on chargeable basis. This will add to the revenue too!

He suddenly remembered his school teacher saying that “every theorem has a rider” This put the fear of the Railway authorities in him.

What if..What if?  He shuddered to think what will happen if, in their over reach, the said Authorities decide to levy a “comfort surcharge” exclusively on aisle seat passengers?

Bystander started to think about alternate strategies. If you have any, please contact him.

Peeping Tom. -60-

It is a common sight; in air-conditioned chair Cars of any intercity trains, to see some commuters bring in Lap-tops and some others note-books/tablets.

Few of the Lap-top wallahs’s, plug-in and hammer away their keyboard. It would make one wonder if their very existence depended on it.

The Lap-top wallah’s would set the laptop on the food tray for their convenience. The inconvenience caused to fellow traveller's, seated in the aisle and window seats is of no concern, to them. This is office on wheels for you.

The Note-book/Tablet wallah’s play games for a while. After some time, both the creed would start viewing, stored or down loaded movies. One that can be agreed upon is that – they come well prepared for such occasions. Now we have movie theatres on wheels!

Serious family dramas clash with English action movies. Songs clashing with the music score of 3D movie avatar or some such kind. Dialogues from Indian movies mix with dialogues of English films. Oh! What a wonderful way to bring together East and West.

According to the activities, the passengers on board the train can be grouped as (1) seasoned (2) serious and (3) curious.

Among the former type there exists a demarcation: some run offices and movie theatres, the rest simply ignore the happenings.

The passengers in the next category mind their own business of chitchatting, reading or simply sleeping off. The sound mixing does not have any effect on them.

The last mentioned type is like a super hero in a blockbuster movie. However, in this type there exists a further classification- super hero (SH) type and the curious fans who note every thing the hero does.

Whether SH wants it or not, he gets unwanted attention from the fans. One wonders if SH is aware of the piercing eyes of his fans from side and back row a seat is a question.

Now let us see why and what for there is this special attention. The super hero cranes his neck, slides sideways, sits erect and then unwinds himself. The objective appears to be the monitor in the immediate front row or in the aisle seat- two rows in front and slightly across from him.

This self positioning would go on till the time the movie gets finished or the monitor wallah closes shop, preparing to get down at the train stop coming up. If any other movie hall is functioning the hero would strain and strive to establish eye contact with that monitor.

If unsuccessful, then he might try to read a news paper or a magazine held by a co-passenger.

Oh! I forgot to tell you, using their super powers, some of them try to read others’ news paper with or without permission.

If they get permission they read it right royally, if not repeat the antics of the movie watcher.

I know you have a puzzling question in your mind – to what type do I belong? Read the text again and find that you are also a partner in this crime of watching people with out their knowledge!

To keep our conscience clear let us call ourselves “keen observers”

Is it okay with you?

Bystander – the muser’s mouth piece

The railway platform has a unique lawlessness of its own. The general public, that is unreserved to the elite - First AC class passengers, are joined by the station staff in creating chaos.

Here, each would vie with one another to place an obstacle in the walking space. Squatting in a huddle, lying down surrounded by number of luggage pieces, creating bottlenecks by standing in front of the Arrival/Departure display (or) mesmerized by the commercials.

The least heard (or) having the least clarity will be the station announcements. This, if audible, leaves one with a feeling that the announcer might be in a rush to catch a train.

The state of chaos worsens, when the train pulls in to the platform.

As though reading his mind, a bystander said out loud that, he wondered why the luggage van could not be attached at the rear of the rake (or) why the staff should choose the same side of the platform to haphazardly unload the parcel items, occupying the limited space available for the passengers to reach the exit. God forbid, in an emergency none could escape to the exit.

The reserved ticket holders fight to get in, even before the occupants who have completed their journey, have a chance to come out. The turmoil to get in to unreserved compartments is like getting stampeded in kumbh mela crowd.

The bystander vowed to reserve 50% of coaches in trains for unreserved passengers, if he ever became the Railway Minister

The bystander felt, the number of luggage pieces carried by the passengers was a goldmine waiting to be tapped- if the he ever becomes a minister for Railways (or) Finance minister. He was mentally coining a catchy slogan for exhorting the passengers “Shun excess weight, keep Indian Railways lean”.

Indian Railways is truly a unifying force –Books, bikes, boxes, perishables & odorous goods are transported along with human passengers. Who is concerned about the Mal-odor?

Philosophically speaking, are you not aware of the stench greeting all of us, as the train enters in to any railway station serving greater (or) minor Municipal Corporation? Then why the hue & cry about the same inside the railway station (or) in the coach?

Yes, this reminded us that the hygiene in the compartments need focused attention of  a few ministries to start with- Water, Power, Health, Food & Agriculture and of course the active  Minister of Railways.

The bystander made a mental note to involve the Human Resources Development ministry to try and educate the passengers, once the other ministries completed had their tasks.

The more the Muser thought about these things during his journeys, more and more did he become agitated. He had to make three or four journeys in a particular month. Every journey added that extra bit to the already agitated mind and finally tipped the scale.

Dictated by the bio-clock, the muser went to bed. A cauldron of agitating thoughts made him weary and sleep eluded him. Late in the night, from deep sleep, he started to shout and pleaded with the bystander to do something positive. - When, he becomes a minister.

This blood curdling whelp woke up the family members in annoyance. In unison they told him to shut up. This cavalier treatment stung him and the only he realized it was all a dream.  Annoyed getting disturbed from their cozy sleep, they rebuked him and advised to go back to sleep.

Then the realization struck him. The bystander was his own creation!