The Strained Fabric

Life itself is a versatile writer. The way thrills and surprises are thrown at us is unbelievable. Our TV serials soaked mind looks for hidden meanings among non-descript happenings. Finding none, we shut down our antennae. Then comes the surprise or thrill with a big bang! The experience need not be always pleasant, but the unexpectedness of the experience is the thrill or surprise.

Grown up child, a son or a daughter has the potential to add new equations in the family emotions. All along it has been a threesome emotional equilibrium, which under goes changes by the arrival of a daughter in law or son in law in to the family fold. This new relationship also brings in add-ons like her or his family circle to enlarge the emotional canvas.

When a family has a daughter and son, the efforts become two fold and in diverse directions. Diametrically opposite natures, emotional demands and inflicted self-rating exercises disturb the tranquillity of feelings and thoughts – once the son and daughter get married.

The daughter, owing to her biological moorings, might take it for granted that certain rights are vested with her. The moment a transgression is noticed she responds like a touch screen of a smart phone. The daughter in law, on the other hand might feel presumed or actual disadvantage in such a new set up. Unable to make the necessary adjustments, she starts to exhibit the mimosa pudica behaviour (touch-me-not syndrome).

It is possible that the daughter of the house might feel at a disadvantage after the arrival of a daughter in law – the symptom of elders going the extra mile to facilitate their daughter in law to find her feet. The daughter, feeling envy that her parents are siding with the daughter in law over simple issues, almost replicates the touch-me-not behaviour of the daughter in law.

Instead of analysing, the individual starts building a wall, to hem in the contradictory emotions or try to hide it under a table.

Tuning one’s mind to suit the present is easier said than done and yet this simple thought might come to the mind , after much water has flown over the bridge. In rare cases, it strikes the mind, when a fire engine is about to be called for saving the burning bridge of relationship.

 Individuals clinging on to past or have developed self-righteousness contribute to the simmering disharmony, brought to the fore by marital status. 

The solution for this impasse is very simple –  the concerned individuals taking  it up on themselves to  weed out the misgivings, and misconceptions to let the tree of affection to grow.

Most parents graciously let go and share the emotional space to maintain the dynamics in harmony. Unknowingly, some parents still try to hold on to their ‘stamp collection’. When this happens in a family, where a daughter or a daughter in law is in the throes of emotional deficit and struggling with the ‘ghost from the past’ – the family fabric gets stressed and stays stretched for long.

The least discernible standoff will be from parents but it does happen, once in a while. A choice word used by the son will set in a feeling of distraught in one of the parent’s mind. A well-meant opinion from the daughter in law might force them to rise in defence of their son. A similar attempt will be made when the daughter in law utters a seemingly innocuous remark regarding the daughter.

In the visible world, a light source makes shadows. In the invisible world, of the mind, it is the misunderstandings that cast shadows. Maturity in thinking, according to the situation, might have arrested these developing emotional disturbances.

The stress in this emotional dynamics is mutual and inclusive. In effect, two sets of families and their relations have to adjust and assess to relieve the stress to the family fabric.

Elders and youngsters have to exercise great care and refrain from spilling the beans in the open- showing a rare restraint to leave the strained relationship to heal itself. If not, even the passage of time may fail to remedy the situation.

At this point, the elders have to step in and facilitate an open minded introspection. A few tear drops rolling down the cheeks and a few goose pimples raising heckles will settle all the differences. The togetherness, over a course of a sumptuous meal would be a better palliative.

After the meal, warm hugs, handshakes and banter will cement the deal. The calmed nerves will then help in closing the emotional gap. Every thing has to come to an end on one day or the other; then why not to day than some other day in the future?

Relations are part of life. More often, we tend to travel by non-existent paths. In the process we try to shape and admire the beauty of an, un-cut gem, forgetting that this gem is a gem even in its natural state. Value addition or evaluation only creates conflicts– in gems or in our associated relationships. It is better to keep the family fabric unstressed by sacrificing the caprice.