The Indian Railways has evolved a unique philosophical system of its own .The travelling public, including the elite passengers, are given a free “philosophical ride on wheels”, ably assisted by the wayside station staff, running staff and catering staff.
It has been very magnanimous – almost all trains are now upgraded to superfast class, without bothering much to match the speed or time of travel with that description. Its operating philosophy is - “It is enough, if a train attached with a pantry car is on the track – it need not race against time to be a superfast train!” The nitty-gritty in the upgrading has always been ‘fame’ and alternate avenues for collecting a little more in cash, by way of surcharges.
Being amenable to such gimmicks, the Railways place in to the hands of an incumbent Minister, if only he or she is capable of playing to the gallery, a free source of politico-economical clout. Thus the special treatment - the budget for the railways gets presented separately and earlier than the general budget which runs in to lakhs of crores of rupees.
Faster than bullet speed trains’ on non existent state of the art tracks are announced; double tracking and side tracking (to his native village from where except the cowherds and cattle, nobody leaves town!) schemes are announced.
Passenger fares are lowered as even the inflation rate keeps climbing. For perpetrating this charade, year after year, with disregard for the economy of operation, the Minister with a far sighted vision, wearing a sliding bifocal, may be in line for a Nobel Prize in “Economic Ebullience - theory & practice”.
The regularly run trains have a Expected Time of Arrival and Expected Time of Departure in a printed Time Table – so to say, certified trains. The Railways also run another class of trains, the uncertified trains, called the joker in the pack. - The special trains.
First let us refresh our minds with certain special aspects of this ‘special’ train, before identifying the joker and then the pack. What is special? Anything out of ordinary, anything yearned for & expected or anything that does not get mentioned anywhere!
Or anything, that has a license to stop, on its track and think about its next move – This is the joker!
These special trains are designated “0xxxx” leaving the passenger perplexed, whether it has top priority or the least – the ‘0’ could mean nothing or anything! - This is the five letter or a six letter pack!
To be enlightened for himself, the passenger only needs to board a special train with a ticket to where else - Bodh Gaya? Since this train happens to be a special, the hapless passenger will be all at sea (read all at railway platform) even to get a response from some disinterested person sitting behind an enquiry counter.
Poor soul! Probably the person himself may not be aware of the special train about which the exasperated passenger is enquiring about! This is the time for using, the free down load app cartwheeling ver 1.1. This software is used to the maximum effect, in all the Railway Stations wherever an enquiry counter is operating.
One thing which this software does not profess is to locate the enquiry desk kilometers away from accessibility but the Railway Authorities have found a way out by using cartwheeling ver 1.2, to facilitate such deviations in the software protocol.
Like King Vikramaditya’s repeated attempts to slay the demon, if the passenger manages to get hold of a deemed knowledgeable person and asks him “When the train is expected to come to the platform and when it will start?”
Initially the deemed knowledgeable person ignores the presence of the passenger, then his question; in the meanwhile gets to answer one or more calls, raises his voice in answering the phone; needlessly waves his hands and finally looks at the inquirer in wonder – as if a ghost has just materialized in front of him!
Since he has no certain answers, he simply follows the routine given in the Apology version 1.0. At the end of the run, the apps will spew out this answer: It is a special train; no body knows the exact running schedule, why don’t you just log on to our portal to follow the train?
The passenger is really worried now, like the man occupying the hot seat- in ‘kaun banega croepathi’, unable to decide whether to phone a friend or take audience’s help or use a fifty-fifty chance!
To earn more of un-budgeted revenue, the Railways can offer a course on ‘I am not concerned about this’, taught in exotic locales, with the help of renowned yoga teachers and spiritual masters. This best chance could be utilized by HRD Ministry to further the development of human resources.
The frustrated passenger finally heaves a sigh of relief and thanks his stars (in heaven and cinemas) for making the train to appear within 24 hrs of the printed ETD. He has no intention of living on the station platform forever and the moment the belated train arrives, jumps in to the compartment in sheer joy.
At that time he could not have imagined the ordeals that are in store for him, up to the end of journey.
The ever pervading and nostril-assailing odour is the characteristics of our Railways and as such can be patented to protect the intellectual property rights (impropriety rights?) under ‘mal-man odour’.
The standard of hygiene is a yardstick to the progress of the civil society. That is why Ministers, a sports icon, an acting icon and a ramp queen mouth strident calls. These yard tick holders are ready to spread the ‘awareness’ message ,if they are allowed free entry on to the platforms and free passes to continue the show on the move. These freebies are like chickenfeed to the high profile campaigners for cleanliness. But this has never happened so far.
Probably, because of this dis-courtesy, the chanting of ‘hygiene for all mantra’, by the yardstick holders did not pervade in to the compartments and as a result, no automatic improvement in the hygienic conditions.
Undaunted, the Railways have found another miracle solution on wheels – wishing it away!
If a distraught traveller, picks up courage and enquires about the unhygienic conditions, the stock answer will be the train came very, very late from elsewhere and there was not much time to do a thorough job – this will be the Apology version 2.0 of the TTE.
The apps will then launch in to a 3D animated explanation: “Remember Karna, from Mahabharata times, who was born with attached ear rings and the forerunner of modern day bullet proof ‘Kevlar’ vest protecting his chest, from sharp arrows.
The Indian Railway coaches have similar attachments – various forms of garbage. The quantity of garbage left in the compartments is directionally proportional to the number of families bringing homemade food or the number of hours the train is delayed at the starting station itself or the number of vendors enjoying free ride.
Why then ask the TTE? Because he is needed to operate the on board Apology System!
Our history is replete with path breaking contributions to science – “0”, astronomy, Ayurveda, yoga and philosophy. Our Railways has made another significant contribution in measuring time. It follows the universal time of 24 hours a day, but with a difference.
The hour might have anything from 60 minutes and counting up to 600 minutes – how does one more zero matters, after all don’t we have that much liberty as the inventor of zero!
The time will stand still, very still – contrary to Alfred Einstein’s General Relativity theory pertaining to travel at the speed of light. As far as the special train is concerned only the General Relativity of Inevitability theory is applicable. Einstein’s traveller ages days in the course of years but in the special train ages days in a matter of hours!
Other railway systems in the world are competing with each other and the Airlines by stretching the distance covered by shortening the time of travel. Our system works on the assumption that for every train that zips past, there must be one that moves in fits and starts - to maintain balance, on its vast network, to uphold the law of conservation of speed (or mass or momentum or any other law of Physics).
Again apply the theory of relativity “for an observer- sitting in a train, watching another going in the opposite direction; gets the feeling of moving at superfast speed”. Railways not only move you on the wheels but also teach you far reaching scientific concepts by means of simple and practical methods. Thus an occasionally moving special train might be imagined to be travelling at breakneck speed!
A practical method to make the passenger, understand the pros and cons of the Relativity Theory visa a vis Railways General Relativity of Inevitability theory!
The special train, running, hundreds of minute late, huffs in to a station too late for breakfast or too early for lunch and the travelers too tired to look at the watch to count the number of hours the train is crawling behind schedule. He or she or they now focus only on one thing – when this damned train will reach the destination?
Before that could happen, the travelers have attained their wisdom – “Anything good or bad ends soon”. Though many were unawares, at that time, in future they might undergo a similar ordeal as there would be no better special trains!
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